WAIYAKI WAIYAKI (The urban Storyteller)

A HANGING NOOSE-LIGATURE "When all usefulness is over, when one is assured of an unavoidable and imminent death, it is the simplest of human rights to choose a quick and easy death in place of a slow and horrible one. Goodbye, my friend, goodbye, my love, you are in my heart. It was preordained we should part, and be reunited by and by. Goodbye: no handshake to endure. Let's have no sadness -- furrowed brow. There's nothing new in dying now though living is no newer. I must end it. There's no hope left. I'll be at peace. No one had anything to do with this. My decision totally .’’ You draft a note with your own blood and stuff it into your pants visibly pooping out. It is the last time you are putting your poetic prowess and deep view of life in use before your asphyxiation.  You in your dreams imagined entering into a forest (for whatever reasons you may be there for-apart from defecation), and found a rotting piece of human arm dragged by a hyena from th...

A Packed African classroom-photo courtesy     There is no business as profitable as the business of selling fear. And if there was a mogul merchant in this trade was our class six prefect. The prefects-I only realized later they are also called monitors- were the most feared in our school after Woti- the headmaster. The deputy was equally feared until one day he soiled his pants after an agitated mzee wielding a machete stormed his office protesting the whipping of his son. He drew back his claws until he was later transferred for allegedly pinching a pupil inappropriately. There therefore were only two groups of people in our school, prefects and others. You qualified to be others if you weren't the teachers favorite, the tallest, the brightest or fell below  any other criteria used for prefects selection. Our school was not the type you get their coordinates from a single click on the google search tab. In fact , i f you wanted a glimpse into Africa’...

            Last weekend I joined my upcountry age mates in celebrating the life of a childhood friend. Whether it was a life well lived, it is the bearer who can tell, but we all acknowledged he lived his life the way he wanted to live it. For a young man who had managed to educate his younger siblings, buy his parents an old Chevrolet pick-up, buy himself few parcels of land along the foot of Nyandarua ridges and build a community sun shade at the junction, we can say it was a life worth living. We were celebrating a life of a friend who despite growing up together, we had suffered together. The friend that saw you strip in front of the class to receive thorough ass whipping. The kind of a friend who never laughed at you when your love letter to the deputy headmaster’s daughter was read in front of the assembly. They helped you dig a pit latrine when you were punished for placing a mirror beneath the dress of your desk mate who is currently working as...

He pulls you in some dark abandoned street for a quickie. He is the kind that haggle and bargain a lot. You settle at 1,800. It’s undoubtedly his whole month’s savings from his Mkototeni pulling in Marikiti. You can feel some painful lines drawing as he runs his rough scaly palms on you. He is sweaty and the street smelly too. He likes asking for you any time he needs to drain his gonads. Your other business partners don’t like him since he has poor appetite for protected coitus, he is extra rough and never pulls out.  “I don’t want this bastard any more, he never withdraws” your friend Mueni had told you the other day. She is afraid of these broke guys, they are very fertile. At least you are on a pill. Mueni had attended him since you were absent following a medication for itchiness and sore groins. The nurse at the private hospital had humiliated you at the packed patient waiting area. She had loudly called your file name and informed you that Gonorrhea patients ...

For the sake of story telling, assume you are a young graduate who has just secured an internship with some audit firm along Waiyaki way. Despite having several D's in your academic portal, you had managed a 2nd Hons and a friend had helped you with the aptitude test. Its your third week here. You are in a hurry to leave office before the receptionist notices your departure. You have been flirting with her and even promised to take her on a date this weekend. She even mentioned it to you earlier today when you had gone to collect some foolscap from her desk. You blushed her off since the voices in your pocket were more louder than her. You hadn’t finished ironing your only suit in the morning before the power tokens went out. You therefore were forced to be in your usual hideous shirt made of material that looks like contraband silk. That one that shines viciously and burns the eyes with ribbons and chiffon details at the chest. You look like you are from choir prac...

Since a packet of Unga started retailing at sh 161, I don’t prepare any meal at my place. What I do can’t be called cooking at all. It’s avoiding death by starvation. I will at times prepare some strong tea which I will take down together with my daily dosage of Kinyajuis Mutura . At times I will ask Kinyajui to pack for me a cup of soup that will be an accompaniment of a kilo of Njugu . A kilo of Njugu in one sitting for a staunch church goer like myself who is nursing the damages of prolonged dry spell is enough to keep him awake whole night. This habit has turned me into our plots watchman. I will ones in a while rush to the basement room which is still under construction to scare away some dog that has been making a lot of noise. Apparently it is still stuck inside the girlfriend while in the act of love making. And since I am not interested in other parties’ marital affairs, I will let them be. Besides, I shouldn’t put asunder what God has put together. On my way ba...

Almost every guy of my age has this girl, not his girlfriend, the other one who always asks if the girlfriend will be around over the weekend. She is probably even a friend to the girlfriend... they could even have schooled together. This lady who keeps reminding you she is still single. She will ones in a while tell you she saw your girlfriend in town and she has become so beautiful. She won’t forget to ask you how your relationship is fairing. And because you don’t want to be judged on account of not being able to handle a relationship, you end up saying its fine. She will text “ OK ” and maybe “Happy for you” or a wailing emoji. On a second thought you will tell her you are suspecting your sweet mango is having an affair with some guy who burns movies in the CBD. “You are my friend Waiyaki, you deserve the best, a girl who takes care of you and doesn’t cheat on you” She will be indirectly campaigning for herself. She will even propose to meet you up at your place to giv...

If you didn’t join Facebook this week, you must have heard about Wamama Wa Saudia . Well, if you haven’t, worry not. These are a collection of young ladies from around Ndenderu, Wangige and some parts of Kikuyu land who travel to the Middle East or Gulf (Majuu) as they like to call it. They didn’t just get the name as result of their new domicile, its as result of their massive online presence and unorthodox means of dealing with dry spell. Am told common sense and rules of decency always disappear in circumstances such as dry spell, diarrhoea, long held call of nature and extreme hunger. It's no surprise that you will find an elderly lady from upcountry comfortably squatting while responding to a call of nature on the roadside grass. But because you are respectful son of the soil you are in a dilemma whether to pretend you didn’t see or greet her as etiquette require. These elderly have issues with everything, you fail to greet them and they will remind you during y...

My friends are reminding me that the deadline for getting married is this august. My mum has since developed a habit of calling me “ Baba Njoki ”, a schemy way of reminding me that I am underutilising my procreation obligations. A junior elder and a friend writer recently asked me if I have plans to marry soon since at this age I should either be holding a wedding committee or solving disputes with wazee for impregnating a lady. “See, the talk in the streets is that having impregnated a lady before marriage gives one an upper hand during dowry negotiations. The prospective in-laws go easy on the dowry demands ones you have already planted a seed in their daughter”. But I don’t take marriage advice from unmarried friends anyway. Am therefore in the process of looking for a suitor. Having already drafted my manifesto, am currently looking for an appropriate party for the launch. Maybe I will be going as an independent candidate. The most successful hyena is the one that hu...

There is this neighbor of mine who really does a lot of weed. He always announces his arrival from work with a bang. He blasts his home theatre with heavy roots. I hear weed and roots are first cousins. He will later stand on the balcony to take a call because the house is too noisy. He will talk with his girlfriend so loudly as if competing with his home theatre. Later i will hear him knock at my place to apologize for accidentally picking my socks from the hanging line and he promises to return them ones he cleans them. There is this other one who has a habit of hanging her bras and inner garments directly opposite my door. I always have to be cope with being brushed on the face by wet thongs every morning. Later in the evening i will nurse some head injury because i forgot to duck her C cup bras. These things are really hard. How does she even survive on them. But I have chanced to get a glimpse of her thorax and i can tell it needs such a strong caging. I don’t talk ...

Am sited next to two rained on men in this Latema bus. Everyone in the bus seems to have received several drops of the rain just before getting in, nowadays its raining without notice. The bus is stuffy and no one is in the mood to speak to their neighbor. The bus is silent save for the distant voices of Maina and King'ang'i from the poorly tuned classic Fm. My neighbours seem to be familiar with each other as they are sharing a newspaper. Ones they get an interesting story on the paper they start a conversation of mixed swahili and luhya. On the front page of their paper is a list of politicians who won or lost the just concluded party primaries. That way i can tell it isn't a today's paper.... Must be last weeks paper. At the back of the bus there is a bespectacled young man who is on a phone call. He is loud that he attracts attention of everyone in the bus. He is talking fast and furious, occasionally adjusting his exaggerated spectacles (you know ...

Dating and Friendship where did I go wrong? Everyone is coming and leaving? All my peers have been married! Okay ,There is a problem ! Well, today world is full of interesting words and vocabularies.Take a look ,Bff,Bf ,MCM,WCW,Bae ,Boo ..etc This words interact in the world of friendship and dating. My friend used these words interchangeably ,bff and bf . She could not have a clear cut difference between the two. The reason why she was single at her late 20s. Take a look ,your dating Mutua and beside Mutua you have Mutuku,your best friend forever(bff), going forward you have Kamau your bff and there is Otieno your MCM. You want to create time for Mutua,then Kamau calls ;in the midst of confusion Mutuku wants to take you out. Yes ,in the same confusion your MCM wants to spend time with you .. Today ,you choose Otieno and you go out with him ,in the evening you go and visit Mutua and your innocence kills you ,you are there narrating him how you had good time with Otieno...